Deeply and truly.
I caught the train to exotic Stockholm. Meeting up with the other 66 percent of Kodsnack I then spent the afternoon lunching, drinking beer and chatting before heading over to Code night - a new meetup arranged by IDG. There we chatted some more and enjoyed beers and pizza before walking on stage and delivering thirty minutes of live Kodsnack with not only a full panel of three people but also a great guest in Petra F Sundström (the F to avoid namespace collisions within her company).
We all know about imposter syndrome, right? This made me feel like a fraud in an interesting way - by not taking too much space. When the discussion flows, I am happy to lean back rather than try and jump in at every pause. That can definitely lead to moments of questioning how much I deserve the spot on the stage.
Everyone around me is saying smart things, things are flowing. I am mostly nodding along, throwing in a comment here and there.
Kind of easy to start wondering when people will see right through you, right?
Well, I avoided that part and pretty much just felt good. There are, of course, the classic parts: the fact that someone wanted you on the stage means you earned it, the people in the crowd want you there and so on. But also the simple fact that shutting up is often the best way to keep a good conversation going. I do not need to prove myself, and few people enjoy listening to someone who first and foremost appears to be focused on proving their own worth.
But there is another rather important part. I only realized it fully the next day as we were discussing the event and our podcast in general: we got onto that stage by willing this thing out of thin air and keeping it going for two and a half years. We have all put so much more work in the path to the stage than we ever can in thirty minutes on it.
If that does not give each one of us permission to just relax and enjoy when a good conversation is flowing, I do not know what will.
So I enjoyed as much as I could. And I felt deeply spoiled to get to be there.